


The Magnus Archives: The Musical Episode

by a_spicy_draft



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: A Leitner Made Them Do It, Fluff, Humor, Love Song, M/M, Musical References, Non-Canonically Silly, Some Swearing, TMA season 3, The Magnus Archive but they can say fuck, musical episode
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22670386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_spicy_draft/pseuds/a_spicy_draft
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. It is, however, entirely in writing. Italicized dialogue is sung, and individual italicized lines, not part of obvious verse, can be interpreted as those melodious sort of one-liners that sometimes happen in musicals. Other relevant music notes (heh) are at the end of each chapter.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 54
Kudos: 168





	1. Chapter 1

JON

Statement of Philomena Longabardi, regarding a theater curse. Original statement given February 8, 2011. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

Statement begins.

JON (STATEMENT)

Thank you for letting me write this down. Writing is better than talking for me these days, as I’m sure you noticed. At least, it is for now. I’m not sure for how long. But I don’t want to think about that just yet.

I’ve always loved musical theater. Opera, classic feel-good musicals, even jukebox musicals. I adore all of them. See, it’s not just the drama of it all, it’s the fact that everything fits. Every character on that stage knows how to articulate what they’re feeling so poetically, with lyrics and meter and melody all assisting to communicate exactly what’s going on inside their head. Lovers meet harmonizing to a song they’ve never heard before. Young people walk down main street, emoting, and all the townspeople join in, meeting cues, forming a chorus, and stepping into flawless choreography. That effortless and beautiful communication, being seen, being connected, being known by everyone else you share the set with, that romanticism is what’s always appealed to me.

Of course, I can’t sing a lick. Well, couldn’t. I spent my school-day afternoons wearing all black, moving set pieces around and watching actors from the shadows. I guess I could have auditioned for the non-musical plays my school put on in the fall semester, but honestly, those never held the same appeal.

I got my degree in theater arts. Then, I bounced around from odd gig to odd gig for a bit, before finally landing a steady job as a literary manager at a local theater. Basically, I was in charge of keeping track of scripts. I found and secured new material for upcoming performances, and I kept track of all the old scripts from past ones, in case we wanted to revisit them. I loved it. Something about being close to the scripts and the sheet music made me feel more of a part of them than I ever had been as a stagehand. Plus, I’ve always had a knack for organizing things. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve defused a managerial meltdown by being able to produce a script from “that show we did five years ago that actually turned a profit.”

It was odd, therefore, to find a collection of sheet music I’d never—

[Angry footsteps are heard approaching the door, which is then flung open by Tim, holding a harmonica and a portfolio]

JON

Wh—Tim! What’s—do you need something?

TIM

[Plays that blues harmonica riff we all know (1)]

_Hey boss, you’re an ass._

_Who else did you tell_

_To read that damned book?_

_You can all go to hell._

JON

Tim—

TIM

_Leitner! And it’s you I accuse._

[Tim absolutely wails on the harmonica]

_I’ve got the miserable_

_Monstrous_

_Mad_

_Magnus Institute blues._

[Tim continues to shred the harmonica]

JON

Tim, I want to help, but I have no idea what’s going on.

TIM

[Begins harmonica riffs again]

_Elias told me_

[Jon wrestles the harmonica way from Tim as he’s playing it]

JON

Stop it.

TIM

_Fine. We’ll do it a cappella._

[In a quick, anxious tune reminiscent of Sondheim (2)]

_Elias told me that you told him,_

_“I need some help, hey go get Tim._

_There’s something spooky, dark, and grim_

_And I need it from Artifact Storage.”_

_There was nothing I could do but scoff._

_Said, “that dusty place always makes me cough._

_He can go himself, you can both fuck off._

_I’m not going to Artifact Storage.”_

JON

Is this a meme?

TIM

_Still he sent me there_

_And to my despair_

_I found this portfolio_

_No worse for wear._

_And where?_

_On a chair_

_In the open air_

_Waiting for me in Artifact Storage!_

_So I picked it up and turned to go_

_When a single sheet fluttered out and so_

[Tim pulls a sheet out of the portfolio and waves it frantically above his head, too fast for it to be readable]

_I grabbed it, glanced at it, and—_

[Jon snatches the paper out of Tim’s hand and examines it]

_No!_

_Don’t you read it._

JON

_I just read it._

TIM

_You don’t need it._

JON

_I regret it._

TIM

_I was going to make a statement to_

_Protect you from what this can do_

_With all the bad luck we accrue_

_But now I’m cursed and so are you_

_By this Leitner from Artifact Storage!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) This riff: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaKsC2AwFt0  
> waah-waaaah waah-wah
> 
> (2) I didn't have one specific song in mind for this, just a general vibe. It works pretty well with "There's a hole in the world like a great black pit..." from Sweeney Todd and "Your Fault" from Into the Woods. Also, unfortunately and to my extreme delight, with "Piano Lesson" from The Music Man.
> 
> A big thank-you to my friend EB, for explaining to me what sort of job Philomena probably had. Support your local theaters.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ErinsWorks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinsWorks/pseuds/ErinsWorks/works) is bringing the musical to life in [a podfic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22671880), and their voice acting is amazing. Highly recommend.
> 
> This entire fic is really just a vessel for the patter song Jon gets in this chapter, which came to me at four in the morning one night when I was supposed to be sleeping.

JON

_Tim, I’m sorry. Honestly, I swear I never sent for this._

_I’m not even finished with the statement. Something is amiss._

TIM

_Never something simple. Ha, I should have known. When has it been?_

_But Jon, you know I still think you’re suspicious, what with—_

[Knocking sound and door opening]

TIM AND JON

_Don’t come in!_

MARTIN

Oh, sorry! Am I interrupting something?

JON

_Uh…_

MARTIN

Right, I can come back later. Oh, hang on, you’ve dropped something.

[He picks up the sheet of music]

JON AND TIM

[Singing in a dissonant chord]

_No!_

MARTIN

_What? It just looks like music._

_It’s not even in my range._

_Oh. I think I see. This is strange._

TIM

_Cursed sheet music. God, I hate this place._

MARTIN

_What’s the point? What’s this thing supposed to do?_

JON

_I suspect I’ll need it for this case_

_0110802._

[Papers rustle as Martin and Tim look over the statement]

TIM

_Musical horror. Of course._

MARTIN

[Totally into it (1)]

_Shing-a-ling, what a creepy thing_

_To be happening._

[There is a very uncomfortable pause as Tim and Jon refuse to join in.]

_Sorry, I just thought we might as well—_

TIM

_Enjoy our coerced musical hell?_

MARTIN

_We’ve got a trio. Enough to harmonize._

JON

_And what would we call our boy band?_

Martin

_The Archivists?_

JON

_The Eyes?_

MARTIN

_The Beholders!_

_And that’s our first single: The Eyes Have It._

[Jon and Martin laugh]

TIM

_Stop! Do you think this is a game?_

[Turns to Martin]

_Why do you insist he’s free of blame?_

MARTIN

_It’s not the same._

_You know this never was his aim._

TIM

_He’s the one who brought us here. Shut up._

_You know it’s true._

_It could have been Jonathan alone_

_Not me or you._

_Every day I wish I could get out_

_And you do, too._

MARTIN

_And he does, too!_

[A long, expectant silence]

JON

_I… do._

TIM

_Wow, you got me there, boss. I really am convinced_

_Now I see how thoroughly you’ve called my bluff._

_Clearly, you regret_

_What’s become of us, and yet_

_Day by day you read your statements, and—_

JON

_Enough!_

[Frustrated sigh, as Jon clearly prepares to get something off his chest]

JON

[To a tune that sounds suspiciously like the Modern Major-General Song (2)]

_‘Tis awful being Archivist here at the Magnus Institute._

_And surely if I could quit then I would quit in an instant too._

_To witness all this suffering is practically unbearable_

_In statements true but long since passed, reduced to cryptic parable._

_I can’t prevent the pain of all my former friends and coworkers_

_All at the hands of worms, distorted halls, and circus show-workers._

_Or else our crafty boss who all this time’s been puppeteering us._

_A presence with a grip so strong he could be commandeering us._

MARTIN AND TIM

[Martin enthusiastically, Tim reluctantly]

_A presence with a grip so strong he could be commandeering us._

_A presence with a grip so strong he could be commandeering us._

_A presence with a grip so strong he could be commandeering-eering us._

JON

_“Just read the statements, Jon” that’s all that anyone will say to me_

_Because they’re either evil masterminds or they’re afraid o’ me._

_And truly if I could quit then I would quit in an instant too_

_‘Tis awful being Archivist here at the Magnus Institute._

MARTIN AND TIM

_And truly if he could quit then he would quit in an instant too_

_‘Tis awful being Archivist here at the Magnus Institute._

TIM

[Quietly, to Martin]

_You’re doing this voluntarily._

MARTIN

_Maybe._

JON

_I’ve been stabbed, kidnapped, burned, and suffered whatever Crew threw me in._

_And then got “rescued” by another Mike who said he’d do me in._

_The morning I returned, Bouchard forced me to stop a felony_

_By acting as a human shield to dagger-wielding Melanie._

_You’d think with these Beholding powers one day I would understand_

_But they’re so useless, twice I’ve nearly ended at a Hunter’s hand._

_I’m just expected to comply with everything Elias says_

_And charge headlong towards circus freaks in human skin disgui-e-ses._

MARTIN AND TIM

_And charge headlong towards circus freaks in human skin disgui-e-ses._

_And charge headlong towards circus freaks in human skin disgui-e-ses._

_And charge headlong towards circus freaks in human skin disgui-e-ui-e-ses._

JON

_I’m sick of all these scars and statements and that damned Beholding Eye._

_If this were poker and I had the choice, I would be folding. I_

_Assure you if I could quit then I would quit in an instant too_

_‘Tis awful being Archivist here at the Magnus Institute._

MARTIN AND TIM

_Yes surely if he could quit then he would quit in an instant too_

_‘Tis awful being Archivist here at the Magnus Institute._

[Jon sighs and collapses into his chair]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPZVjxWMLpo  
> Really, the prologue to Little Shop of Horrors could pretty easily apply to a Magnus Archives Musical. Martin is onto something. And Audrey II would be... the Flesh?
> 
> (2) It sounds exactly like the Modern Major General Song. It's surprisingly hard to rhyme words with "archivist" or "institute," and I really wanted to use one of those as the major concluding rhyme. But I think if Gilbert and Sullivan can pin-pen merger rhyme (which isn't actually how the lyrics are sung in their accent) "mineral" with "general," they'd be rather pleased with my line carry-over of "too-'tis" to create a syllable identical to the last one in "institute."
> 
> Some more notes on rhyme and meter:  
> -I think a few of the rhymes here work better in my Maryland accent (pretty close to "standard" American English) than the Archivist's accent. Eg. "been" and "in." Oh well.  
> -English being a stress-timed language, I have ideas in my head for how the meter should work with some of the lyrics where lines don't match syllable-for-syllable. But if adding/omitting/changing a word works better for you when you read them, feel free to.  
> -For what it's worth, in addition to Little Shop of Horrors and The Pirates of Penzance, some of the musicals I took inspiration from for this chapter were Les Miserables, The Phantom of the Opera, Into the Woods, and The Sound of Music.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Magnus Archives: The Musical Episode - Podfic Edition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22671880) by [ErinsWorks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinsWorks/pseuds/ErinsWorks)




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